Another Learned Lesson

Do you remember how many times I would blog about not being honest about how I was feeling? I really struggled with this for a long time. I would put on a happy face and tell people, probably even you, that I was fine and everything was great. My main focus during this was not wanting to be a sadness to anyone, a downer, or a burden. It was really hard for me, and still is to some extent, to allow people to know just how hard things were (are). Now that things are all out in the open I can be more honest. Now the form of honesty comes as me being more open to how many good days/bad days I have had, or letting you know that today isn't a good day. This is progress right? I have told myself that this is honest and good. My main focus has been to rejoice and give all glory to God for ALL of the circumstances in my life. In doing this though I have created yet another "la la land" for myself. As many of you know I had a period of about a month of feeling great. During this time I would tell people how great it was. I was basking in the glory of answered prayer, for a moment in time. Which was fine. I have an agreement with God, a covenant I have made to Him. Part of it was that I was fine with having a number of great days in a row and I knew that it could either be temporary or permanent. The thing is that I was fine, and still am, with either road. During my great days (which I am sure I will have more of) I was so thankful, so excited, so joyous, so touched, and so in love with the fact that God was gifting me yet again. I would talk to people and as I would say how great things have been and explain how I had no symptoms I would look over to Manuel for reassurance as to these statements. When we would make eye contact, me smiling, he would only give me a half smile. I could not understand why he was not feeling the same excitement I was. How ungrateful, I would think, God is answering prayer right now and Manuel is not jumping up and down like me. I argued with him about this two times. It actually was me being mad and getting a blank look from him. Many of you may not know that in the time that I was doing great Manuel got sick (unheard of), was exhausted, worn down, slept a lot, and grumpy. I started to realize even more just how awesome our God is. When one of us was down He kept the other going. I hadn't seen this in our lives for awhile and I wondered why. It was because I had been the one who was down and my honey couldn't be. Once I realized this I understood his half smile, his "ungratefulness", his lethargy, and his grumpiness. My eyes were open to what he had been going through the last year and a half. As a couple "we" had been going through this life change. We go through it as spouses, parents, and individuals. I had seen and felt the spouse, parent, and individual (me) part. What I didn't see though was his individual grief and stress. I honestly feel that this is precisely why I was having no symptoms during this time. I needed to see his individual pain and stress. God gave me those days to see my hurting husband. He couldn't rejoice with me because he, in his heart, knew that it was temporary. That the doctor's visits were going to come again, the bad days, the test results, and further ahead a double lung transplant. This is where I say I have learned yet another thing about myself. I don't like going to my doctor appointments because then I have to know that I am sick. When you go they don't tell you the silver lining, they tell you the worst case scenario. They don't tell you survival rates, they give you death percentages. I just want to feel the joy that our gracious Father fills me with. But I figure now that obviously I am not healed so maybe I am supposed to know the reality and rejoice in it. I do honestly think I am doing this but there is that part of me that doesn't want to go to my appointments so I can stay happy. I guess it's bound to happen. Now don't get me wrong here Manuel and I both know that at any time I could be healed, we would embrace that wholeheartedly, but in the mean time we need to go down this road of learning and embracing all that comes in our path.
Psalms73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. AMEN!