WARNING: THIS IS A WEAK MOMENT
It's just so hard! I am emotionally overwhelmed! I'm not being outwardly emotional but in my head there is this section that is going AAAAAAA....OH NO, OH NO, OH NO.....AAAAAAA.....EEEEEKKKK.....AAAAA....
Lately this is the white noise in my head. Most of the time I tune it out and just don't pay any attention to it. However, today I can hear it. There are so many negative things being put in my head right now and NONE of them are from GOD! It feels like this week I can't hear HIM because the noise is SO LOUD! It's not anything that is going to break me it just is so hard! You know that feeling we would all get before a big test in high school? The nervous feeling? The dream that you forgot to study? The lack of confidence? The inability to concentrate? The lack of sleep even though you're trying so hard? I know my prayers are being heard, I know that he is speaking to my heart in a soft whisper, but is it wrong to ask God to YELL at me because I just can't hear over the dumb chaos? I have felt for a long time that the answer to the question on hand (is it time to be put on the list?) has been given to me. Especially when I have prayed specifics and have had the answers in which were being put onto my heart shown to me through the words of a doctor, stranger, bible, bible study, child, friend, and husband. They not knowing what they said and how it came from God because of something I prayed about. But how do I know for sure? I've been asking for a CONFIRMATION to what I believe He is speaking to me. Do you think He is saying "I have already spoken"? Do I know my answer, for sure, if when I think it all through I always end up back at the same thought? Something Manuel said to me this morning keeps playing over and over in my head, "Babe, how long do you think you can go on like this?" Hmmmmm.
2 comments:
Julie,
There's nothing wrong with being afraid. There are myriad examples in Scripture of folks being afraid of the unknown. Jesus was afraid in the Garden of Gethsemane. The thoughts we conjure up in our heads are from fear of the unknown. It is the knowledge that the Lord hears us, even when we convince ourselves that He doesn't, that stills our souls.
You wrote that you wonder if you're not hearing God because of all of the chaos. Just stop trying so hard to focus. Relax. I'd imagine He's saying, "Julie, if you'd just slow your mind down and stop yelling that you can't hear Me, you'd be able to hear Me."
This hymn has repeatedly soothed my heart when I am anxious and in need of calm:
Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.
Julie, Julie, Julie. How you beat yourself up so much is beyond me. Weak moment/real moment. I am glad you are acknowledging the way you feel. Perhaps you need to admit you feel this way so you can see God's hand in a different way. I don't think we are ever encouraged as believers to put on a brave face and not admit our fear.
It is good to see the Real Julie. Remember saying that to me a few weeks ago on my blog?
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