"Stuff".....

Have I mentioned that I have "stuff" to do? In case you can't tell, I've not done my "stuff". I have a tendency, as many of you know, to be a perfectionist. What happens to a lot of people like me is that when we have stuff to do we mull it over in our heads, get overwhelmed, and push it away as long as we can. We, at least I, don't allow ourselves to get into the "stuff" until we know we have worked it out in our head (perfectly). So I have a list (in my head of course) of "stuff" I need to prepare before I get "the call". Are you tired of all the "quotes" yet? Okay anyway, I am not in any sense of denial about what is going to happen or anything I just think it's a little overwhelming. I say little but really what I mean is very overwhelming. In my mind I can't get it right therefore I am not getting into my "stuff" yet. A couple of months ago I was so scared and overwhelmed over a long list of "stuff" I thought that I needed to prepare. That list was physical objects that I thought I needed to get ready for the girls when I go in for surgery. I was so consumed by that "stuff" that it literally was ALL that I thought about. It was an obsession, something I used to numb the inside. Thinking of the "things" in some way helped me put a visual on what my family and I are about to go through. Does this make sense? I can't be there to hold there hand, pray for them, and do for them. So I was obsessing over what I could do for them in the sense of gifts for while I am away. The list of "stuff" kept getting longer. Well God broke me of that and what I have learned is that I thought those "things" were going to help my girls feel like I was there with them. So they wouldn't feel as scared. They would have the gifts I pre-packaged to feel closer to me. Obviously this is wrong. I can never expect to know just how difficult this time is going to be. I can't expect to give them the feeling of safety they will need in that time. Who am I to even think I could? Every "thing" that they need during these horribly hard times will need to come directly from God. Our jobs as parents, my job as a mother, is to show them how to rely on God completely for every "thing". So even though my list of physical stuff has gotten shorter I now really do have real "stuff" I have to do. I have realized that I haven't been having very important conversations about what is going to be happening with my parents, brother, and other family. I have worked this so long in my head, it's not perfect yet, that I keep putting off the very real things I have to do. It's so much easier to have a list of non-emotional stuff to do. Like laundry, dishes, beds, drop the girls off at dance camp, go to vacation bible school, and go to the grocery store. But in this perfectionists head there is a voice that is screaming "YOU HAVE STUFF TO DO"!

I have to go tomorrow and begin my Hepatitis B vaccinations! WooHoo! Yeah right! Anyway this is just another thing I need to do in order to prepare my body for the transplant. I was also told by my surgeon back in April that I should loose 10-15 pounds. At that time I literally prayed and said "okay Lord this is going to have to be ALL you". I have struggled with eating disorders in the past and now know that dieting is not mentally good for me. Anyway that is a whole other blog. I went in on Monday and PRAISE GOD I have dropped 14 pounds! LET ME MAKE ONE THING CLEAR....THIS IS ALL GOD. Now I have been told by my transplant coordinator that I need to be on a high protein diet. This is also to prepare my body for the transplants. It will help for recovery. So can you help me pray that I am strong enough to do this for the purpose needed and not allow it to turn into what it use to be for me, a disorder. Okay I'll stop typing now! I bet your tired...go rest now, I'm done!

I'm on the List!

As of Wednesday, June 20th, I am officially on "the list". I am an official listed patient awaiting a double lung transplant with the United Network for Organ Sharing (UNOS). WOOHOO! I had thought for awhile that I was listed but started wondering about why I hadn't been contacted by my new transplant coordinator. Then we came to find out that there was a hold up here in the local Ventura office where the nurse "forgot" to put the financial authorization into the system. Well that was fixed and here I am today. There are a lot of details and my plan is to try my best to explain them here, for you, this week. I'm thinking of doing a weeks worth of little blogs so I don't do another of my SUPER LONG blogs. As it stands I could be called anytime between now and six months. Wow! We are praying for GOD'S perfect timing in all of this. Only HE knows when this should and will happen. Can I please ask you to pray with us for that and for a couple of other things?
**that we continue to comunicate correctly for our girls in there understanding of
what is happening and what will be happening
**that the girls be lead by us, correctly, to rely on GOD for everything
**that the girls be able to come to us and God in prayer with their worries
**for the donor, who's lungs I will receive, and their family that they see the
mighty work of God in their lives. That they know or come to know GOD in their
time of sorrow
Thank you so much for the time you take out of your day to catch up on what's going on in my day. I pray for you often. I know that probably sounds fake but I really do pray for you always. I will have more on Tuesday. Tomorrow I go to UCLA for testing and labs. Have a good day!

I love summer!

This seems to be the feeling in the air! This is the time of the year where I am truly thankful to live in California. All the other seasons for me just don't do it. I know we have the most amazing climate in comparison to the rest of the nation. However, for me, I wish the other seasons felt like they're supposed to. Overall fall is my favorite season because it is quiet and there is a little crisp feel in the air. Winter and Spring are annoing (to me at least) because we don't get much rain and we still have warm days. I would love to feel every season! Right now I love summer because it feels like it is supposed to, warm with an ocean breeze. We went to the beach yesterday and it was very nice. We met with some other homeschool families and the kids just played. When we got there it was very overcast and then all of the sudden the sun was shining and it was warm. Getting there was not as enjoyable. I always want to do these fun things that other mommies do with there kids. I'll commit to doing something, because at the time I say it I feel "normal", then as the day comes I'll either have to cancel or struggle horribly just to get in the car. So this is what happened yesterday, I struggled horribly to get in the car and get there but it turned out in the end to be very rewarding. After having a really hard time lately it was nice to feel the sun and watch the girls play. I met a lady named Lori there and learned that she had been having some lung issues lately and was able to provide some insight as far as my local doctor. Then the most amazing thing happened as we were leaving. Her son Aaron, I'm pretty sure that was his name, walked up and asked what my oxygen tube was for. I explained what it did for me and he smiled, with a real sincere look on his face, and nodded at me. I finished speaking to him and turned to get something then when I looked up he was standing in front of me. He asked, in a very soft yet matter of fact voice, "can I pray for you?". I was stunned, never have I had a child, let alone a child I just met, ask to pray for me. Aaron must be 9 years old and right there on the beach he put his hand on my shoulder and prayed for me. All I could think while he prayed out loud for me was this is the gentle love of GOD, thank you LORD! Aaron is an awesome child and touched my heart in a way that I can't explain, but God knows that at that moment I needed to hear prayer from a little angel. I think that is what helped me walk away from the beach and just be happy about being there watching the girls play, enjoying the sights of the ocean, the breeze, and the warm sun. No longer did the struggle of getting there matter!