"Stuff".....

Have I mentioned that I have "stuff" to do? In case you can't tell, I've not done my "stuff". I have a tendency, as many of you know, to be a perfectionist. What happens to a lot of people like me is that when we have stuff to do we mull it over in our heads, get overwhelmed, and push it away as long as we can. We, at least I, don't allow ourselves to get into the "stuff" until we know we have worked it out in our head (perfectly). So I have a list (in my head of course) of "stuff" I need to prepare before I get "the call". Are you tired of all the "quotes" yet? Okay anyway, I am not in any sense of denial about what is going to happen or anything I just think it's a little overwhelming. I say little but really what I mean is very overwhelming. In my mind I can't get it right therefore I am not getting into my "stuff" yet. A couple of months ago I was so scared and overwhelmed over a long list of "stuff" I thought that I needed to prepare. That list was physical objects that I thought I needed to get ready for the girls when I go in for surgery. I was so consumed by that "stuff" that it literally was ALL that I thought about. It was an obsession, something I used to numb the inside. Thinking of the "things" in some way helped me put a visual on what my family and I are about to go through. Does this make sense? I can't be there to hold there hand, pray for them, and do for them. So I was obsessing over what I could do for them in the sense of gifts for while I am away. The list of "stuff" kept getting longer. Well God broke me of that and what I have learned is that I thought those "things" were going to help my girls feel like I was there with them. So they wouldn't feel as scared. They would have the gifts I pre-packaged to feel closer to me. Obviously this is wrong. I can never expect to know just how difficult this time is going to be. I can't expect to give them the feeling of safety they will need in that time. Who am I to even think I could? Every "thing" that they need during these horribly hard times will need to come directly from God. Our jobs as parents, my job as a mother, is to show them how to rely on God completely for every "thing". So even though my list of physical stuff has gotten shorter I now really do have real "stuff" I have to do. I have realized that I haven't been having very important conversations about what is going to be happening with my parents, brother, and other family. I have worked this so long in my head, it's not perfect yet, that I keep putting off the very real things I have to do. It's so much easier to have a list of non-emotional stuff to do. Like laundry, dishes, beds, drop the girls off at dance camp, go to vacation bible school, and go to the grocery store. But in this perfectionists head there is a voice that is screaming "YOU HAVE STUFF TO DO"!

I have to go tomorrow and begin my Hepatitis B vaccinations! WooHoo! Yeah right! Anyway this is just another thing I need to do in order to prepare my body for the transplant. I was also told by my surgeon back in April that I should loose 10-15 pounds. At that time I literally prayed and said "okay Lord this is going to have to be ALL you". I have struggled with eating disorders in the past and now know that dieting is not mentally good for me. Anyway that is a whole other blog. I went in on Monday and PRAISE GOD I have dropped 14 pounds! LET ME MAKE ONE THING CLEAR....THIS IS ALL GOD. Now I have been told by my transplant coordinator that I need to be on a high protein diet. This is also to prepare my body for the transplants. It will help for recovery. So can you help me pray that I am strong enough to do this for the purpose needed and not allow it to turn into what it use to be for me, a disorder. Okay I'll stop typing now! I bet your tired...go rest now, I'm done!