Miss...

p.s. i'm going to call this my pre-script. I am only writing this because sometimes I can be too strong and as I work my scared times out with God I think I need to be honest to all of you about me. So this is only ten minutes of a down time. These times come and when they do I work it out with God. As I do this I will write it out too! Sorry for the length.

So my dear friend Liz posted a blog the other day that I just loved. She wrote about the things that she will at some point miss from her kids. I loved the thought of cherishing the little things our kids do and then writing them down as being some day missed. So, I sat down to blog some of those things right now. Yesterday I thought this would be fun, but today...I thought. So as I sit here and think about this I cry. I cry because I WILL MISS. It's more real for me right now! I will miss it all. I I I I I I I I I I! My human self wants to sit here and say I MISS! IT HURTS! I'M SCARED! I'M WORRIED! I'M TERRIFIED! I'M LONELY! I'M INSIGNIFICANT! I MISS ALREADY! I KNOW I CAN'T! I'M WEAK! I'M SAD! I'M STRESSED! I CAN'T! I CAN'T!
I KNOW THAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE! I CAN'T! For one I can't plan this time of our life! I can't be there to hold the hands of my family as my body goes into repair. I CAN'T! I don't know what lies ahead in God's plan. I don't know how this life will Glorify HIM. I don't know. I feel like Manuel and I have so many things to plan for. I have said before that it would probably be easier if this were something that just happened because I had to go into the hospital unexpectedly. However, to know ahead of time...that's hard...hard to not try to control all of it. I am in constant conversation with God. This is HIS show. This life is not mine right now to control because so much of it I CAN'T! I get so annoyed at the down times (which would be right now) because they hurt so bad. I love however, that HE gets me through these times. Myself wants to go crazy scared and hide and say "NO I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS". And if I didn't pray and talk to God during these times I am positive that is exactly what I would do. Another thing I noticed is that if I don't let Manuel or all of you know the scared side I would not rely on God as much. I am learning that it is all relative, but most of all I CAN'T, but GOD CAN! That makes these down times almost comical. I truely will miss the snuggle bunnies, the sunshine song, the babe, the honey, the sweetie, the smell, the Nee, the curls, the screams, the giggles, the spread, the sunflowers, the Muck Donald's, the Beauty, the everything. I can only hope to be able to miss those things....see that's where I am wrong. I can only hope to be where God wants me to be. Whether that is realizing how fast life goes by or not missing a thing in heaven. We could all probably say the same thing. I will not let my bodily self bring down the soul inside. I will not, I promise. I love this life, this is true and I can't go wrong by letting God take the fear and the misses away for me. One thing I can say for sure is that I am safer in HIS arms than in my own.


I normally read this and edit but today I will leave it uncut. I love you all without a doubt!